It's over.

There's nothing else to be said. Serves me right.

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once upon a time...

...there was a little prune, who used to be so obsessed about blogging. One day, a girl named Datu decided to pour chocolate over her fruit salad, where the prune is. The chocolate flooded the prune's salad bowl. Sadly, it didn't become Koko Krunch.

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a symptom of lack of sleep and runny nose

I itched to give you a reply the moment I read your letter. Finally I found something I can relate to, something I seriously, personally want to comment on.

I'd like to give you a background of myself. I used to consider myself "gay", when I learned later on that being an MTF (male-to-female) transgender doesn't need me to "crossdress" (emphasis on the quotes) 24/7, or know how to wear make-up, or even undergo "sex-change" operation. In all aspects, I feel like a woman and that's all that matters. Sadly though, the concept of transgenderism is still highly misunderstood even within the LGBT community. That's why most of the "becky" or the "pa-girl" are still dragged wrongly into the "gay community", and they themselves don't even realize that. It's the fault of the word "bakla", whose common use doesn't distinguish between sexual orientation (i.e. which gender one is sexually attracted to) and gender identity (i.e. the sense of one's maleness or femaleness).

My identity as transgendered however still doesn't change the fact that I'm different from the rest of the queer community. By queer, I mean the LGBT community as a whole. It's already one thing that I'm considered a "deviant" from mainstream society, but it hurts when I encounter this even within the community I'm supposed to belong to. In the Philippines, if you're queer and you want a relationship (or at least hook-up for sex), you either have to be 1) in the closet, 2) a "discrete straight-acting alpha male a.k.a. 'bi'", or 3) a "screaming faggot balahura". There's no room for those like me who looks like a "screaming faggot balahura" but can't even put on a blush-on.

I think you're lucky in that you seem to have a very loving family (through your sister). I live FAR, FAR away from my family, and I'd rather have that than reveal my true identity to them and risk to have my head chopped off (I'm from a pure conservative Muslim family, by the way). Which brings down to the fact that in every sense of the word, I live ALONE. Sure I got friends, but they got a life of their own too. Given that, longing for "someone" has become more than a teeny-bopper wish for me. I THIRST for someone.

And I'm only 22.

Despite that, I know in the end why I'll live single for the rest of my life. I'm practically anti-social. I'm very cautious of the friends I choose and being nice to me don't guarantee I can be your friend. Common sense, with my kind of attitude how could I open up to that person whom I can be with for the rest of my life? Love never falls from the sky. We have to bring our whole selves to it.

I think my point is just an elaboration to what one person already replied here, about psychoanalyzing yourself. First, identify yourself. Identify who you are, and what really makes you happy. And ask yourself why you want something. Is it because you really want it, or is it because other people does it. Most of all, LOVE YOURSELF. I hope it can give you a clearer perspective of things.

Love you sis! :*

(my reply to a ManilaGayGuy.net letter sender codenamed "Gaysha" from the post "Girly Gay Feels Like An Outcast")

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